BMW ABS-TCS-ISS-PPSS REVIEW

On a ride over the weekend I had the chance to test BMW's new

 ABS-TCS-ISS-PPSS system.  I was riding third in a group of three riders.  Bill Gillespie, a very competent and experienced rider on an ST1100, was leading.  Next was Jeff, a young rider, also on an ST1100, but with far less experience than Bill or I.  As we approached the south end of the last run up to Douglas Pass, I decided I wanted to ride this section a little more aggressively than we had been riding.

I pulled into the left lane (of a two lane road), and passed Jeff.  I continued in the left lane for a while, having a good time leaning the bike way over in the left hand sweeper.  I was accelerating hard in second gear and, apparently, was having too much fun to notice a warning sign indicating that a slow, right hand, corner was fast approaching.  The suggested mph on the sign must have been something like 5!  As I approached the turn at 70 mph, I realized I was WAY too hot and some serious braking was in order.

I got on both brakes very hard and slowed very quickly.  At the last minute, I flicked the bike to the right to enter the turn.   It was then that the back tire broke loose, sliding the rear of the bike about a foot to the left.  The bike dropped so far on the right side that my foot was knocked off of the folding peg.  I grabbed a handful of throttle and managed to bring the slide under control and continue through the turn.

The whole incident took only a fraction of a second, but was apparently enough to unsettle Jeff, who was close enough behind me to see the whole thing but was never in any danger.  I continued on, passing Bill and having a great time going up the pass.  Jeff caught up to Bill and pulled him over to tell him what had happened.  Jeff asked Bill to remind him later to ask me how I managed to keep from dropping the bike.

Later, when Jeff asked, I explained that it wasn't my skill or experience that had allowed me to save the bike, although I wished it were.  "No", I said, "it was BMW's new ABS-TCS-ISS-PPSS system that had saved me from a catastrophic incident."  Jeff asked, of course, what all of that stuff meant, (ah, the curiosity of youth!).  I explained it his way;

BMW has had ABS (antilock brake system) for years.  It senses when a wheel lock-up is imminent upon hard braking and then releases and re-applies the brakes, preventing said lock-up.  Honda introduced the TCS (traction control system) on it's ST1100 (which BMW has apparently adapted).  TCS senses imminent rear wheel spin when too much throttle is applied and retards the ignition, lowering power, and preventing the spin.

Jeff said; "I understand those two systems, but what is ISS and PPSS?"  I continued;

"The ISS stands for Inclination Sensor System, which measures lean angle. The whole system works as a unit.  In my case, this is what happened;  As I entered the turn I was hard on both brakes, yet I was also beginning to roll on the throttle and lean the bike to the right.  The ABS sensed that the front brake was about to lock.  The TCS sensed that the rear tire was about to spin, and the ISS sensed that the bike was leaning over to the right.  The master control computer (MCC) put all of this information together and determined that the rider of this machine, (me), was in a deep shit situation! (DSS!).  The MCC then activated the PPSS and I was able to pull out of the above mentioned DSS!."

Jeff asked what the PPSS was, so I explained.  "PPSS stands for Pooper Pucker Servo System.  It is a collection of servos mounted in the outside edges of the seat which, upon activation, squeezes the rider's butt cheeks together.  This pressure pre-puckers the rider's anus.  This action has two effects; first, relieved of this necessary task, the rider has more free resources available for getting out of the DSS!.  Second, it helps to hold any loose fecal matter in the body, saving cleaning time later on."

"Of course", I continued,  "the PPSS has a manual override switch that allows the system to remain in operation until the rider is in a location where he or she can safely and discreetly remove him or her self from the machine in order to perform any necessary processes."

I feel lucky to have had the chance to teach a younger rider about the advanced working of a complex mechanical system!

All in all, it was a great ride!